AGAINST ZIONISM

TEL AVIV- Fans became angry  during an exhibition soccer match as they watched the British team score 36 goals in the first half, while the Israeli team could not even get control of the ball.

In August, Israel was banned from hosting international soccer matches because of violence in the region. The country was given clearance to host games again in September, but only in Tel Aviv.  Thus, Israel hoped the current match between its national team and England’s team would open the door to full participation on the world circuit.

Unfortunately the Israeli government overlooked technical factors, such as player skill.

“We thought we were unbeatable,” one fan lamented during the game, “but it’s Lebanon all over again.” 

Israeli security officials visited the British team during half-time to check if any of its members were Hezbollah terrorists in disguise.  “It’s the only explanation for their dominance on the field,” said one official who asked not to be named.

Finding no Hezbollah members, officials lodged a formal complaint with the British Embassy.

During the second half, Israeli fans expected a better performance from their team,  but began to tear their clothes when England scored six goals during the first five minutes. Tens of thousands of shouting people threw stun grenades and molotov cocktails at the field, but nothing could stop the British juggernaught.

Kyle Thompson, one of England’s star players, was heard to yell, “Apartheid this!” as he slammed the ball into the goal net.

Finally a battalion of IDF soldiers entered the field and used their batons to attack the U.K. team.   Several British players had to be carried off the field on stretchers. One was overheard saying, “These bed-wetting Yids couldn’t play their way out of a delicatessen.” The player was denied medical treatment and removed for questioning. Police said he will remain in custody until his trial next year.

England’s Prime Minister Tony Blair called Mr. Olmert to apologize for the British team’s competitive performance on the field. He promised that England’s team would lose during the actual match tomorrow (Saturday). He also phoned the British coach and ordered him to have all of England’s team members sign statements that (1) apologized for their competitive behavior, (2) affirmed the holocaust, (3)  condemned Palestinian terrorism, and (4) upheld Israel’s right to exist.

“There is no excuse for the blatant anti-Semitism shown by our national team,” Mr. Blair angrily said in a press interview. “We reaffirm our support for the Middle East’s only Democracy, and we will not tolerate any attempt to humiliate our allies.”

Mr. Blair offered to send British fighter jets to assist the Israeli team during Saturday’s final match, but the IDF declined.

“We’ve positioned Merkava tanks behind both goals,” a spokesman said. “When the British move to score, we’re hoping they’ll be slowed down by artillery shells.”