AGAINST ZIONISM

Israeli authorities and the FBI arrested a terrorist who had infiltrated a microchip plant in Israel and became an instructor in computer design.

Moshe Eitan, Mossad’s liaison with Intel-Israel, expressed gratitude for FBI support, telling the Jerusalem Post that, “Without American help, we might not have caught this monster.”

The terrorist’s identity is not known, as he died during interrogation, but Israeli intelligence observed that all Palestinians are ignorant regarding computers. Hence the terrorist could only have been Russian, and officials are referring to him by the code name “Ivan.”

The U.S. State Department said this incident proves that, “Not only does anti-Semitism continue to flourish in Russia, but Mr. Putin continues to roll back Democracy.”

“Much worse than a bomb”

Intel established its first plant in Haifa in 1974, and built four others since then on land reclaimed from Palestinian villages. About 6,000 Israelis work for Intel, and security is tight. No weapons of any kind are allowed past entry points, and “Ivan” was not caught with a bomb.

“What he did was far worse than a bombing, or any normal terrorist act,” said Intel-Israel spokesman Rafi Schaumberg.

Indeed, Israeli intelligence says “Ivan” is a harbinger of a new kind of terrorist with technological savvy and diabolical ingenuity.

Details remain sketchy at this point, but Israeli officials confirmed that “Ivan” altered his personal laptop so that when he typed the word “Holocaust” and did not use a capital “H,’ his computer would let it stand, rather than automatically correct it.

“We can only assume the same factor applied when he did not capitalize the words “Israel” or “Jews” on his personal laptop,” Mr. Schaumberg said. “For the people of Israel, this incident is on par with Auschwitz itself. It has been a source of great agony.”

The U.S. State Department said “Ivan” could even have programmed his laptop so that the words “Boycott Israel” appeared in its desktop wallpaper.

“There is no limit to the damage he might have done,” a spokesman said. “The investigation has now spread to five countries, and Russia has promised full non-cooperation with U.S. and Israeli authorities.”

Intel apologizes

Harry A’ssholl, CEO of Intel, issued a written apology to the Israeli government, and offered to double the wages of all 6,000 Israeli employees of Intel. The Israeli government suggested that the spirit of peace might be better served if, in addition,  Intel closed ten more plants in the United States and moved them to Israel.

Intel agreed, and announced plans to close the first of ten American plants next month. During the transition, Abe Fucksman of the Anti-Defecation League will monitor company-employee relations. “When tens of thousands of workers lose their jobs, they become irrational,” Fucksman said. “And since their jobs are moving to Israel, we will closely watch the situation for signs of anti-Semitism.”

Moshe Eitan said that although the war on terror will never be complete, the people of the world can take comfort in knowing that at least one monster will never spread fear again.

“This really hit us hard,” he said. “In fact, it’s not an exaggeration to say that all of mankind dodged a bullet.”