AGAINST ZIONISM

This satire is based on an actual government program in which Jews from any country can go to Israel and serve in the military for twelve days as a kind of sports outing.  An example is Alan Leventen, a middle-aged employee of Merrill Lynch.  Source.

Foreign volunteers have been a mainstay in the Israeli military since 1948, when Jews from 43 countries converged on the Holy Land to help remove Palestinians.  These early volunteers formed MAHAL, an acronym for Mitnadvei Hutz La’Aretz (Volunteers From Overseas). Today MAHAL still exists as an organization that allows volunteers to serve 14-month terms in the Israeli military.  One third of volunteers come from France, one third from English-speaking countries, and one third from the Diaperspora.  The maximum sign-up age is 23, and only Ashkenazi Jews are accepted.  

Rachel Shamir’s job is to meet young idealists when they first arrive in Israel.  “Their eyes blaze with Zionist fury when they get off the plane at B-G (Ben Gurion International Terrorist Airport),” she says.  “The boys  hope to become snipers, and the girls cheer when they make their first kill.  Of course, their naiveté quickly wears off when they realize that the Israeli Offense Farce is not what they imagined it to be.” 

Larry Rosen of Teaneck, New Jersey says, “You have to learn how the game is played here in Israel. During my first month, I got no recognition at all, despite killing nearly three hundred dogs (Palestinians).  Later I realized that we only get points for racking up dogs under the age of 13.  Then I really hit my groove.  That was three months ago, when I was only a private.”

Rosen is now a lieutenant colonel at age 22, and is a legend among settlers in the West Bank. 

Was he disappointed to learn that he must pay U.S. income tax on the salary he earns in Israel? 

“Not at all.  Most American tax dollars wind up in Israel anyway.  It’s part of the war effort.”

We next spoke to Ari Wexler, a volunteer infantryman from Toronto, whose thoughts were of his family back home.  “They all teased me,” he laughs.  “I’m the first Wexler to ever run to the army.  Everyone else ran from the army – the Russian army, the Turkish army, and so on.”

Did his relatives flee anti-Semitic violence?

“No, I meant they all ran from manual labor, which terrifies Jews. It reduces them to the status of Goyim.”

What made him volunteer to enter a country known to be full of Islamic terrorists?

“Well, Canada is full of terrorists too,” he says thoughtfully.  “It’s a question of semantics.  When the Goyim resisted Jewish aggression in the past, we said the Goyim launched ‘pogroms.’  Today we say they are terrorists.  One man’s terrorist is another man’s anti-Semite.”

Are there no differences at all?

“There sure are! Back home, we practice Zionism by denying employment or university admission to Goyim, or by imprisoning them for questioning the holocaust.  Here in Israel we shoot the dogs.”

Some foreign volunteers find that the experience changes their religious views.  Hyrum Leibowitz of New York plans to convert to the orthodox faith when he finishes his term.  “In my home neighborhood the shiksas made fun of me,” explains the gawky youth.  “Here in Israel, Orthodox Jews can have up to four wives, just like Muslims, and women can’t get a religious divorce unless I grant it to them.  If one of them ever leaves me, I can keep her in limbo for the rest of her life.”

Sarah Cohen of Beverly Hills California seemed exhausted when we spoke to her. “It’s not all fun and games,” she sighs.  “For the first time in my life I’ve had to learn what hard work feels like, and my shifts have been increased to almost four hours per day.” Sarah now works at a military base, where she answers official phones calls and e-mails.  ”It can be grueling. Sometimes you get pretty tired.” 

Then her eyes light up.  “Still, for a Jew, nothing compares to your first kill.  It’s more than a religious experience.  It’s—it’s—“ Her voice trails off.

Orgasmic?

Sarah blushes, looks down, and nods.

Given the demand for foreign volunteers, it was only a matter of time before an enterprising soul devised flexible alternatives.

Enter Dan Shulsky, a Russian-Jewish immigrant who now makes his home in Palm Beach, Florida. 

“I used to organize hunting safaris in Uganda, or South Africa,” Shulsky says.  “You know–places where Jews directly or indirectly control governments.  Unfortunately the idiotic Goyim protested when my clients hunted too many species to extinction.  After that, the hunting-safari business became restricted to Israelis who control the black market in rhino horns, plus elephant feet, and so on.  Eventually my clients weren’t even allowed to shoot African schwartzers.”

How did he move his business to Israel? 

“I was about to give up when I heard about volunteer programs for the Israeli Offense Farce,” Shulsky explains.  “That gave me an idea.

Shulsky knew that Jewish executives enjoy blowing off steam, preferably by using machine guns, and would welcome short-term getaways.  The logical choice was Israel, but most volunteer programs in Israel require people to stay for months, and do not take older applicants.  Moreover, volunteers are required to have their fingerprints taken, their teeth X-rayed, and their personal details entered into a database.  Clearly this would not appeal to Jewish executives, who are normally above laws that apply to mainstream Americans.

“The real challenge was bureaucracy,” Shulsky says, “which is ten times worse in the Israeli government than in the American or even the Russian government.  No one would talk to me about my idea.  Then I realized that I was thinking like a Goy.  When I bribed an employee in the Israeli consulate, doors opened up immediately.”

Shulsky soon started Shalom Safaris in Israel, and has recently opened a branch office in the Kurdish areas of northern Iraq.

“Kurdistan is the hot ticket,” he says.  “Clients who go there get to shoot down American helicopters and military transports, in addition to hadjis.  They can’t do that in Israel, since all military vehicles belong to the Israeli government.  Also in Iraq, my clients get to work alongside Mossad, which is very sexy.”

Shulsky presented photos of various clients posing with stacks of corpses, some of the dead being American soldiers.  All of his clients wear masks, and are dressed as Arabs.  “I’ve got a friend in the newspaper business that buys some of these pics,” he says. 

Turning to his computer, he brings up an online edition of the Washington Post.  The screen shows a group of Shulksy’s masked clients, plus a caption: Insurgents kill fifty-three children at Iraqi day care center. ”My clients shoot all they want,” Shulsky explains, “and the deaths are all blamed on Shi’ites, Sunnis, and Iranians.”

He turns to the stack of photos on his desk and pulls out one eight-by-ten that shows a five-year-old Iraqi girl.  Lying beside her is one of Shulsky’s clients, his rifle barrel shoved into the child’s private parts.  “Some of my millionaire clients have exotic tastes,” Shulsky says.  “But don’t let that picture fool you.  That little bitch was paid five thousand dinars ($4.50 USD) to pose like that.”

Shulsky leans back in his chair.  “I went there myself and scored a trophy on my first day.”  He points to a gold frame on his wall, inside of which is a small metallic item, plus the words Beginner’s Luck!  Closer inspection reveals the item to be the dog tags of a U.S. Marine colonel. “I used an American M-16,” Shulsky boasts. “The rifle didn’t even have a scope. Mossad bet me a thousand bucks that I couldn’t do it again. I tried, but the best I could do was a British major, so I lost the grand. But it was worth it.” 

Shulsky salutes the framed item in his office and announces, “Semper Fi!” in a Russian accent. Then he breaks into a winning laugh and tosses back a jigger of vodka.

Do any of his clients get to bring back body parts from their scores?

“Only if they’re doctors,” he says.  “Iraq and Yesha (the Occupied Territories) are lucrative harvesting grounds for fresh organs, and it’s easy to hide something in an ice chest along with legitimate tissue.”

What kinds of things do clients being back?

“Iraqi penises are now in such high demand that they’re traded on eBay, but they’re code-listed as Siamese good luck charms.  Most of my doctor clients take medical ice chests with them even if they don’t plan to waste a child and harvest its organs.  Since they’re Jews on missions of mercy, they sail through customs when they get back. A medical ice chest, empty or full, speeds up the process even more.”

Is Shulsky worried that the FBI might ask questions?

“No way.  Half my clients work for the FBI and other government branches.  There are still a few Goyim in those agencies, but we’re cleaning them out, and they want to hold on to their jobs as long as they can.  Naturally they keep their (expletive) mouths shut.”

Below is one of Shulsky’s brochures for Shalom Safaris in Israel. 

Asked about a brochure for Iraq, he points to the Washington Post image on his computer screen. 

“Free advertising,” he says.  “Is America a great country, or what?”